Stop Telling Vulnerable People They Must Forgive Their Abuser
Forgiveness may not be possible when the abuse continues
Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you.
Sounds nice, doesn’t it? I’m willing to bet you’ve heard that statement a lot.
We live in a society where victims of abuse and mistreatment are told to “get over it,” “move on already,” or “forgive and forget.”
If only it were that simple.
I watched a YouTube video this week titled “Is it time to forgive MAGA?”
I commented that forgiveness requires repentance.
For those who realize how hurtful the movement has been for the country, and so many vulnerable people, I would forgive them.
But those who double down and continue to hurt others? I’m sorry, but how can you truly forgive someone who has no remorse?
After I made my comment, the creator changed the title to, “Is it time to forgive MAGA who are waking up?”
Then, she called out my comment in her next video, making me look like an unforgiving jerk.
The whole point of my comment was that true forgiveness isn’t possible without repentance. It’s just not. I know from experience.
Sure, I can “forgive” someone as an act of sheer will, but if they continue to harm me, is it really possible to find peace and move on with my life?
No, it’s not.
As a person who was in a decades long relationship that was abusive, I can tell you it is very difficult to forgive under those circumstances. I’m not sure if it is even wise.
I truly forgave the person every time they hurt me. And each time, I opened myself up to the possibility that they would change.
They didn’t. They didn’t even think they had done anything wrong. In fact, they told everyone who would listen what an awful person I was. I was constantly gaslit and told everything was my fault.
Everything.
It’s why I have CPTSD and struggle so much now.
And I’m supposed to forgive that? When the person never changes, but ruins my whole life and reputation?
Still, I did. Every time.
Maybe I should have walked away, instead.
But I couldn’t because I believed I was nothing without this person. God knows I heard it enough times from them.
They never once said, “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong,” or “please forgive me.” They just continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive until they died.
How is it possible to fully forgive someone under those circumstances?
I can say that I forgive them and am ready to move on, but how? The damage is done, and I will never be the person I could have been without the abuse. Never.
They literally killed the best part of me. If only things had been different, what might I be today instead of this critically wounded person?
I come from a Christian background, and still am one. But many Christians have the wrong idea about forgiveness.
They insist on forcing victims of abuse to forgive their abusers because it’s the Christian thing to do. But, is it?
Biblically, forgiveness requires repentance. Nowhere does it say you must forgive someone who has not repented to you.
I don’t even think it’s possible. How can you fully release someone who hasn’t apologized for the harm they have caused? And even then, it’s difficult.
Jesus never said we should be a doormat for abuse. He said that if your brother repents, you should forgive him.
Big difference.
When my comment was called out on YouTube, I knew I had to write about forgiveness. It upset me so much I couldn’t sleep last night. So many victims of abuse are harmed by forcing them to forgive their abuser.
It’s not right to shame people into forgiving an abuser, especially when that person never repents. That only causes more damage to an already wounded soul.
Yes, I forgive those who have hurt me. But healing and lasting forgiveness requires repentance. I truly believe that.
So, if you are having a hard time moving on, despite forgiving someone, maybe the person never repented. Maybe society, or your faith, put the burden on you to fix what was never your responsibility.
I can’t tell you how to resolve the pain, but I can tell you it isn’t your fault.
It’s not your fault.
Wishing you peace,
Lisa
Lisa, To me there are at least two different scenarios implicit in your excellent commentary. The macro story is the harm we are all suffering because low information voters weren't paying attention and a bunch of voters stayed home. Although an interesting question, I'm not sure forgiveness is where we should focus We need to do what we can to protect ourselves and take action to turn the tide. The second scenario concerns the more micro version of one-to-one abuse. Repentance calls into play a bunch of religious concepts. The real problem is the case where the abuse continues and continues. It doesn't matter that a person says they are sorry and just keeps going with the same abusive behavior. The only answer that worked for me was to get in my own boat and row as far away as I could. I'm sorry it didn't work out like a Hallmark movie, but we each need to protect our own welfare. If you are facing damaged people who keep harming you, no amount of "forgiveness" on your part will change their behavior. Stay strong!
Forgiveness is easy when you stepped on a toe. Forgiveness is a PROCESS (sometimes decades) for abusive behavior (mental, emotional, and spiritual), rape, incest, murder... Nobody has a right to tell anyone you how should forgive and what your timetable is.