I’ve had writer’s block lately, mostly due to nightmares and insomnia. It’s hard to function on 3–4 hours sleep a night for weeks on end.
I’m finally feeling better, so I thought I’d share a bit about why and what’s happening.
After having such a rough time the past few months, I decided to give EMDR another try. I was already having nightmares and not sleeping, so it couldn’t get much worse.
My first experience with EMDR years ago was not good, but it’s because the therapist didn’t know what she was doing.
I’ve found someone who is good, and it’s making a world of difference. She’s taking things very slow with me and explaining every step as we proceed.
The other person didn’t, and I can see the difference. Some therapists don’t need to be practicing. EMDR is not something to fool around with.
We’re still in the preparation stage. The actual processing come later. But the prep alone has brought me so much relief, I’m frankly amazed.
We started last week by creating a “safe space” for me to go when feeling overwhelmed.
I’m a visual person, so this was fairly easy for me. My mountain lake house with a beautiful garden and nature all around.
I added lots of details to make it feel as real as possible.
After I had this place clear in my mind, she had me name it, and we “tapped it in” using what’s called a butterfly hug, which is an EMDR grounding technique.
Here’s a video, if you’d like to try it. Just remember to tap slowly. If you go too fast, it can have the opposite effect.
This is a gentle way to ground yourself if you’re feeling anxious or upset.
My therapist had me think of a mildly irritating memory (1 on a scale of 1-10). She asked me to note where I felt it in my body.
Then she asked me to think of my safe space and let her know what I felt.
The sensation of irritation had gone! Very weird! She said that’s what was supposed to happen.
I slept really well that night. Two days later, I started feeling more balanced, and had less anxiety. It was pretty remarkable.
I could still feel irritation and overwhelm, but it was manageable—like someone had turned the dial down. I could function and not shut down.
EMDR doesn’t take away your memories, it turns down your activation and reactivity. It makes you feel less overwhelmed by unpleasant memories.
This week, we worked on building a container for my memories. A safe place to keep everything, so we could only pull out what we need, one memory at a time.
This was a bit harder for me to visualize, but I finally came up with the perfect image for me, being the geeky person I am.
If you are a Harry Potter fan, you’ll understand. Remember the Pensieve in Dumbledore’s office?
He could pull out his memories in silvery threads and store them in the bowl for later review, removing one at a time to view.
Perfect!
Next, we start working on history gathering, so we can find the right memory thread to work on. Then we start the reprocessing.
That’s the part that people are most familiar with in EMDR.
Traditionally, eye movements are used, but I couldn’t deal with the rapid back-and-forth. It made me feel crazy dizzy, so I’m going to do the self-tapping. That way I have more control. Some practitioners also use vibrating paddles that you hold.
This week has been the best, most productive I’ve had in a long time. My emotions have been more even, and I’ve actually felt like doing things again.
I had a bit of a meltdown today, but it was actually grief. I was able to feel it and then move on with my day. It didn’t take me out for the rest of the day.
Best of all, my sleep is better, naturally. It still isn’t great, but I can tell it is getting better. Oh, and the nightmares have stopped.
Maybe there’s something to this EMDR thing, after all.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about the reprocessing, but I trust this therapist. She’s going slow, and she knows what she’s doing.
If the prep has helped me this much, I can’t wait to see what the reprocessing does. I haven’t felt this good in months.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Remember, there is always hope!
Have a great weekend, and take care!
Lisa